Dear Dad

[em_kellesvig]

When I was a kid, we had to watch TV with my dad so we could change the channels for him. Even then, with only three or four stations, he was an inveterate channel surfer. I don't remember when, exactly, the first wireless TV remotes came out (we called them clickers), but Dad had to have a TV with one. From that day forward, the clicker was always on the table next to his recliner. You moved it at your own peril.

About a year ago, my dad and step-mom were watching TV on a Sunday night. He had a "hillbilly" setup: one TV with the volume on sitting above another TV with the volume off. The bottom TV had some kind of sports: football, basketball, golf, the Olympics, and sometimes hockey. (He preferred to watch hockey in person.) The top TV he reserved for channel surfing. That night, he grew increasing angry and frustrated because he couldn't make the remote work properly.

Mary, my step-mom, went to him, took the remote from him, and said, "We're going to the hospital." He refused and went upstairs to bed. She told him if he didn't go willingly, she would call an ambulance. Finally, he complied.

When Mary told the doctors that Dad no longer understood how to operate the remote, they took her seriously and began running tests. They found he'd had a series of strokes--TIAs, transient ischemic attacks.

He lost his sense of smell and taste and immediately started losing weight as everything he ate tasted "like warmed over shit." He became incontinent and unable to care for himself. He could no longer process tasks: step one, step two, etc. He would put on his socks and shoes and then try to put on his pants. He could only hold a conversation for a few sentences before veering off into random thoughts and ideas. His left leg was numb and even with a walker, he started falling down.

Mary tried for months to keep him at home. Then one day, he went down and it took her 45 minutes to get him up. Both Mary and I were terrified that he'd fall on the stairs and take her down with him. After several difficult and sad conversations, we agreed he needed professional care.

He's doing better lately, conversing better, but his caretakers at the assisted living place won't let him walk anymore except in physical therapy; after the second fall, they gave him a wheelchair.

I miss him.

We used to talk on the phone every day or every other day. We're both weather nerds and that's gone now too. He'd tell me stories about his life, about his friends and his adventures. Those are gone, lost to the strokes or locked in his head.

He was such a champion of my work in fandom, helping with research when Google failed us. I'd send him photos and screencaps and say, what kind of car is that? what kind of hutch is that? And he'd always have the answer. He helped with historic research: what were the roads like before the Interstate Highway system? Just how big were the pre-WWII cars? So many questions and he was happy to take the time to answer. He loved helping us.

He didn't care that we were writing fan fiction; we were writing. He bragged to complete strangers about my work as a writer and an editor. He asked after all my writers, cared how they were doing, asked what they were writing now. After the stories were posted, he asked if people liked them, what they said about the stories, were they popular?

Oh, how I miss him.

He's still there. Mary calls me and gives him the phone so we can talk (he doesn't understand how to use the phone anymore). He's taken my two dearest friends to heart and calls us all his "girls" and tells the staff about us and how proud he is of us. The staff thinks we're all his daughters and we are.

I'm writing this so fandom knows about my dad, about Buster, who in the last ten years has been our finest cheerleader, our champion, our go-to guy. He believes in what we're doing here, this wonderful confluence of smart, creative people telling stories.

I want you to know about my dad because he's your dad too, and he believes in you, in your writing, your art, your passion for fandom. No matter what part you play in fandom, small or large, he thinks the world of you.

I miss him so much already, and when he goes, it'll break my heart. But I want you to know he's proud of me; he's proud of us.

"Damn, these are some really smart folks, aren't they?"

Yes, Dad, they are. They take after you.

Comments

[shaddyr]

I love that you had a dad like this, that you had someone to be proud of you and be your cheerleader and support you and brag about you. I'm sad he's suffered these strokes and he's not able to be the same support to you that he used to be and that your relationship is different now, but I'm so glad that you still have him in at least some capacity.

Thank you for sharing your fandom friendly dad with me.

*hugs you hard*

[em_kellesvig]

Part of why I thought to write this was the conversation you and I had about the Stargate you built. I told him about it at the time and he was very impressed. I don't know that he ever watched the series but he did see the original film so he knew what I was describing. He was an architect and a builder for many years and he taught me how to use tools. He wasn't surprised at all that a woman could do what you did; he was surprised you could do it with the materials at hand. He loved doing DIY projects and loved the idea that you'd built a stargate in your driveway.

So, you see, he was proud of you, Shaddyr. Thanks for letting me share that story with him. He really got a kick out of it. *hugs you back*

[melagan]

This is a lovely tribute to your dad. I will always softly chuckle over his comment to one of my stories you were researching. "Is she still writing that kinky shit?"

[em_kellesvig]

He loved the idea that we were writing serious stories about "kinky shit". I think I told you about his comment on "Providence": "You're doing all this research on WWII just to write about kinky shit?"

Yes, Dad, and you helped. :D

[shaddyr]

OMG, that's hilarious. I think I love your dad, em.

[em_kellesvig]

He's a character, all right. If you check my "Dad" tag, I have a lot more stories about him. I know you'll love him too. :D

[popkin16]

This post made me teary! What a great guy :)

[em_kellesvig]

He really is. I wish all of fandom could have met him. He did so much to shape who I am and that shapes who I am in fandom. :D

[popkin16]

We should declare him Fandom Dad.

[em_kellesvig]

We should. Thank you for that. <3 <3 <3

[popkin16]

You're welcome ♥ ♥

[otherearths_outthere]

I am so, so sorry. This is exactly what happened to my father and my father-in-law before they each passed. My FIL was a truly gentle soul. My father could be a right bastard. But. But, he was devoted to his family, and me especially. My mom has told me often that I was his favorite. I was the only girl, but I also kind of think that I am him, but without the dick. I can only hope your dad comfortable and everyone is treating him well.

[em_kellesvig]

I'm sorry you and your dads had to go through this too. Our dads can be hard on us but the love is there. They're doing well by him and Mary is there often. It's all we can ask.

[rhi]

Damn. I'm so sorry, hon, for him, and y'all, and all of us, really. {{{hugs}}}

[em_kellesvig]

Me too. You would have gotten such a kick out of him. I told him about you and he thought the world of you. (((hugs)))

[rhi]

I'm really glad you told him, then {{{hugs}}}

*sniff* *sniff*

[jesse_the_k]

Thank you for sharing the love you and you Dad have for each other, and for the creative work of women all over. I'm so glad to know this story, and send warm thoughts his way.

Re: *sniff* *sniff*

[em_kellesvig]

Thank you! I talked to him yesterday and we managed a brief "weather nerd" moment before he asked me about the "girls". We've fallen into a routine and that's okay. I'll take whatever he can manage. :D

Re: *sniff* *sniff*

[holde_maid]

*hug* Sucks horribly. Any chance of recovery? *hug*

Re: *sniff* *sniff*

[em_kellesvig]

No, no chance at all. He's been diagnosed with Vascular Dementia and sleeps most of the time, which is normal for patients like him. His twin brother recently died of pneumonia following a series of strokes and we expect the same for Dad. It's just a matter of time now. (((hugs)))

Re: *sniff* *sniff*

[holde_maid]

*another hug* So sorry to hear that.

[dejla]

I have been away for various reasons, and just got to read this. I am sorry to hear of your dad's condition, but pleased beyond all recognition to know how supportive he was to you.

It's never easy to lose people we love, in any way of loss -- all I can say is I have been there, and I know what it's like, and I'm grieving for you and with you.

He is and will always be a wonderful father and a wonderful man, and I'm glad he's been there for you.

[em_kellesvig]

I've missed you while you've been gone, so glad to see you again, and hope all is well. *hugs*

He's always been very supportive of "us", of fandom, of writing, of the very act of creation. I wasn't really surprised how warm and receptive he was when I first spoke to him about fandom; I was surprised how much fun he had with it. So, yeah, it's a loss. But it's good to have so many people know of him, to love him as much as I do. I'm glad I shared fandom with him and him with fandom.